The Fire in Which We Burn

February 9th, 2012

Fire. Fire and trees and running water. I’ve had a headache for almost three weeks now. I’m at the point where I just want to slam my head against solid objects to release the tension. It doesn’t work, of course, just makes the headache worse. Don’t misread, I’m not going around doing it. Though I seem to remember doing so my freshman year of college with my physics and math books. Hoping for osmosis by force, I think. I only hit that point once, a couple days ago, and he pulled me through.

I don’t release stress very well. I carry it. In my shoulders and in my forehead. He asked me the other day, how I was doing. I told him I was waiting. The problems can’t be solved Right Now. They will take time. So, I am waiting. And I’m letting the stress stay and affect me. That can’t be good.

Which brings me back to the fire. I want a fire, a big old campfire. To pour all this negative energy into and let it burn away. I miss getting lit on fire. Used to do that at the old club. Whenever I was stressed, I could get lit on fire. Made me feel better. Nothing is quite as important when you’re on fire. Folk do fire cupping now. It’s alright, good sensation, but that’s not what I want. I want alcohol on my skin and a cotton wand lighting me up. Fear and adrenaline and heat.

Feed the stress into the fire, let it go. I need release. I need it ripped out of me and thrown away. I’m not good at letting go.

Logically, I should. I can only control myself and my reactions. If I’m not in control of those things, than what good am I? But my reaction is wait and see. My reaction is to simmer. It’s my marriage, I can’t just let it go. I need to know why. I need to know how. I need to know it will never happen again. I need to know that I’m safe. I need to know trust. I need to understand.

Can I really let go of the stress with these needs unmet? It doesn’t feel that simple. And yet, I want fire. I want to let it go, I want a focus to feed it all into. I want to empty myself of the stress and the tension and the pain. I keep having small explosions – frustration and anger that turns into tears. A small valve that gives some relief.

It doesn’t have to be fire, but that’s where I always go, mentally. Not fire play, but a real burning fire. I spent many nights as a child, staring into fires. Burning papers with my worries written on them. I have a picture from just after I got married, burning my old angsty journals, of the flames forming a rising phoenix. At least to my eye.

I wonder how big a clothespin zipper it would take to rip the stress away? I wonder how long a flogging, to beat the tension free? I wonder how intense a caning? How much electricity? How much rope? How hot a fire do I need? Or do I just need a candle, burning in the darkness?


4 Responses to “The Fire in Which We Burn”

  1. Serafina says:

    Hello Imp!

    Have you tried Photo-sonix. . . is a good description of it. It is SO VERY helpful for stress headaches. Also you might wish to read on acupressure. Knowing the trigger points can be very helpful. I bet you could even find that in a library. . those are by far safer than taking a chance on scars that disfigure if things go wrong. You seriously need to consider better coping methods, obviously the ones you have are not working that well.

    • PervertedImp says:

      ::Smiles:: While I acknowledge that fireplay is one of the many dangerous forms of play, I can assure you that the type of fireplay I’m talking about is done with the utmost respect for the fire, and for safety. The trails of alcohol are rarely let burn more than a second, and the fire quickly blown out or smothered by towel or by hand.

      Thank you for your other suggestions. I’ve seen similar things to the photosonix, but never used them myself. Accupressure and trigger points are also good suggestions.

  2. Fyre says:

    Ya know… if you want fire… and possible an energy pull or chakra balancing…. I might know someone that could help you with that…. *hugs* All very tough places to be and sometimes draining off some of the stress helps clear things up or see alternatives that a stressy brain cannot…