A Bad Day

April 7th, 2011

I’m having a bad day. Work was fine, the cat didn’t attack me, the weather was gorgeous, no one got hurt or is deathly ill in my immediate life(though, for my good friends who do have that in their lives, I’m incredibly sorry and wish I could be there for them more than I currently am). I didn’t break the car or lose my phone or have drama explode. Nothing changed today. But I’m having a bad day.

It happens time to time. My body fights me. My immune system attacks (mostly) my joints. I have pain and swelling in various bits and pieces depending on the day, week, month, year. I used to take a lot of drugs. A couple years ago, about the time I started this blog, I was getting worse and my doc upped my injections. I snapped, I was tired of the drugs. Tired of the chemicals, tired of getting worse. I changed my diet. Massively. It didn’t cure me, like I hoped it would. But it controls it about as well as the drugs did.

Or at least that’s what I tell myself. I blame the flares on not sticking as strictly to the diet as I should. On not eating raw enough. On not eating alkaline enough. But then I also have two books with opposing opinions on what is and what is not alkalizing. On stress. On empathetic pain, sometimes. I take a naproxen every now and then. If I have a really bad flare, I take a couple prednisone. Rationalizing that one or two pills a week is better than four a day and two shots a week.

I haven’t been to my rheumatologist in a over a year at this point due to money and insurance concerns and the fact I’ve stopped taking the drugs. I’ve still got spare pain killers left from the refills I did a year and a half ago. Probably, they say they should be thrown out by now, but that’s not the point.

I’m having a bad day. My wrist hurts, my elbow is buggered, my ankle’s achey, and my shoulders are cranky. None of it’s debilitating, but it was all worse this morning before I took a naproxen. I knelt tonight, made it to 28 minutes before I got up, and was in tears a short while later. Not tears of physical pain. Physical pain hardly ever makes me cry by itself.

I’m a masochist. A pain slut. I enjoy pain, I get off on it. No, Midori would say, I get off on intense sensation. No one enjoys stubbing their toe accidentally. It’s the pain I can’t control that made today bad. It’s the frustration that got me up from kneeling before 30 minutes because I wanted to stop the pain I could stop, because I couldn’t stop the other pains. And honestly, some days, that’s what keeps me there the whole 30 minutes, because I’ve chosen to be there.

It’s why I’m a masochist. I enjoy control, I get off on power exchange. I get off on giving someone else the power to cause me pain. I get off on allowing myself to feel pain because I choose it. I get off on the adrenaline and the endorphins, too. But on a bad day, I want to get off by choosing pain instead of pain choosing me.

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3 Responses to “A Bad Day”

  1. Lover says:

    Yes, the year old drugs should be thrown out, for more reasons than just decay after six months on the shelf.

    There is the old adage that a man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure. Pick one book.

    Then there’s the discipline of keeping to any discipline. Keeping to an alkaline diet in the world of peers around you would be challenging to the deepest masochist. You do it… because you’ve chosen to be there. Every restaurant and gathering and friend – even I – will tend to offer you what you want before offering what you need. Kudos for coming as far as you have.

    In the books I read, stress is acidic. An acid lifestyle is stressful. YMMV but I’ve found this to be true.

    And I love you. I wish the most exciting life for you, free of the bad stresses and full of the juicy ones. Can I buy you a salad? 🙂

  2. PervertedImp says:

    Had picked just one book, wanted more recipes. Yes, bad stress is bad. ;p I’m trying, but I’m wondering if a balance between healthy eating, glucosamine and a drug or two might get me to the standard of living I want.

  3. Lover says:

    If the “drug or two” were a shot of wheatgrass or two, then Yes, it might get you the standard of living that you want. You probably remember how hard it was to go alkaline for 30 days but you probably forget how great you felt. Not just relieved of symptoms but… great. I remember.

    It’s tough psychology. It’s easy to feel great for a moment with warm dark bread but you only feel great for a moment. It’s hard to do the alkaline thing your body requires but you feel great for days. I just came back from my workout so I know that trap well.