February 24th, 2011
I don’t like that song, maybe I should be forced to listen to it every time I make the same mistake over again, especially right after saying I wouldn’t anymore. This week, he told me to put our toy on her knees when she came in the door. I didn’t say no. I didn’t say I was uncomfortable with that. I didn’t say why. I was still processing my reaction to the instruction when she came in the door, so I gave her a hug first and began teasingly scolding her. Glancing over my shoulder at him, I saw The Look, and I turned back to her, put my hand in her hair and ordered her down to her knees.
I was worried she wouldn’t want to be on her knees. I was worried that she had not offered us that type of control, after conversations she and I had over the weekend about her questioning her level of submission, and not just to us. I also, not being used to being top, wasn’t sure how to put her on her knees. I should have communicated all this to him. Should have told him my concerns, and confusion. Instead, I simply hesitated, and required an extra push to do as I was told.
None of this was appropriate. He asked me to be the buffer, but that means communicating with him, not hesitating or disobeying his orders. It means trusting, in all of us, to be responsible for ourselves and to communicate clearly.