30th Birthday Ruminations

July 22nd, 2010

I posted to the blog my mother reads today, listing what these past thirty years have gotten me. One of the listings was “A wonderful husband.” I had the urge to continue that line with “and two amazing boyfriends.” That being the simplest wording to describe the incredible men I am involved with. My best friend and I joked that it would make my mother’s head explode, and would therefore only be worth it if we could witness the event. I joked about asking my father to record it for us. It did not occur to me that his head might explode, too. I know he would not approve, he performed the ceremony where we promised to be monogamous after all, but he is far more calm and at ease with life than she is. I worry about what my family would think/does think of me. The never ending search for their approval does not drive me, but it does influence me. It is a heavy mask to wear, pretending to be what I think they want me to be, but even after 30 years, I’m not ready to put it aside.

Another thing I posted in that blog was “More books … than I care to count…” but in thinking about that, I don’t have any kink books. We do have a couple poly books, The Ethical Slut and Opening Up, and I have a climbing book that I learned knots out of. I believe we have the Tao of Sex or some such thing, as well. But no books on BDSM, D/s or Bondage. We have borrowed books here and there, Two Knotty Boys and Rope, Bondage and Power being the most notable in my mind. I don’t believe we even own The Story of O. About the only kinky fiction I own that isn’t on the computer is Wizard’s First Rule, because you know Denna makes one hell of a Dominatrix.

I had a very frustrating phone conversation yesterday, and when I got online, he was looking at shiny dresses and it cheered me up. I poked around a found a few myself, and a really scary vinyl girlscout dress, too. I also went over to Sub-Shop.com and updated my Shiny shopping list with a few little pieces. I’ve never been one for retail therapy, but with my birthday coming up, it’s fun to figure out what I might spend the money my parents sent me on, aside from a pair of slacks for work.

So, I turn 30 on Saturday, and life is not just good, but better than I could have imagined. It’s not easy, it’s not perfect, but it is wonderful and exciting and crazy and fun. I am loved and accepted by those closest to me, and the future is shiny.

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