January 6th, 2010
In retail, the Holiday season ends on December 24th, and the Return season begins on December 26th. But that’s not what I mean, I don’t mean things you get that you don’t want. Things you get two or three of that you get rid of the extras. I want to talk about gifts that make you want to give back to the giver.
BDSM for me, involves a great deal of this. The care my parters take of me. The love and joy they give me. These are gifts, I give them in turn. The scenes my partners create for me are extraordinary gifts. I am rarely the driving force, but my submission to his will, my energy in the scene, my writhing and squealing and gasping, all give back to him.
In this line of thinking, the question “do you deserve it” always causes problems in my head. If I’ve had a trying time, and I really want the scene to make me feel better, I am quite tempted to say Yes. Yes, I deserve this, after all I’ve done, all I’ve suffered, I deserve this happiness. But there’s also the little submissive in my head saying No. No, I don’t deserve anything, I’ve done bad things, I’ve not been perfect/compliant/obedient enough. Which isn’t quite right, either. The truth usually is No. Gifts are given freely, there is nothing I can do to deserve it.
When such gifts are given to me, I do my best to give back as much as I get. There is no way to measure such gifts, but the shared love and joy we have in the giving.