Darkness and Light

August 27th, 2009

Timely questions and a weekend with family, especially my family, can bring up all sorts of interesting thoughts and personal dilemmas. God and Kink, where do they meet inside a person? I’ve always followed a philosophy of love and that meshes well for me. Kink, in my life, is about love and trust. But then come in those lessons from childhood: monogamy and following God’s plan, going where He leads. (As a heterosexual female submissive, I’m okay with the patriarchal He, though I find the debate amusing.) I find it difficult to reconcile the dogma of the church with my life. I find it hard to believe this is where he led me and that I’m living His purpose. Should I be living His purpose anyway? Shouldn’t I be living My purpose?

I generally frame my purpose around writing, around creating and communicating through the written word. (It’s my fear that adds that last bit, insisting on written and not spoken.) Then I look at the things I write about – rogues, thieves, assassins, sex, kink, even rape. How could He possibly have led me here? There is a darkness in my writing that comes out of me, comes from my center. I enjoy that darkness, thrive there. So, when people ask about my faith, I cannot bear to think he is there, watching my every move because it brings to mind a disapproving fatherly frown. Surely he’s made this world and just watches it spin without examining every little bit of it in judgment. But isn’t that what we are taught? Just like Santa – He knows if you’ve been bad or good – (though why Santa watches when you’re asleep I never did figure out).

Back to the beginning. God is Love. That is where this all meets for me. I love my husband, I love my mentor, and I love my boyfriend. I love my family and my friends. I play with love. I learn and teach with love. I write, create and communicate with love. In the end, that is what matters to me.


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