Surrender

June 17th, 2009

 

I have had scenes lately where there comes a decision point to call Red or surrender. The point when the pain and the fear has me in tears and I want nothing more than for it to stop. These scenes invariably involve clamps, so stopping the scene would not immediately end the pain. This is the point when I give up on begging, give up on release, and give in fully to his will. This is a deeper submission, they began with a submission of my body, but ended with submission of my mind and my will. I give up on getting what I want out of the scene and fully accept that it was now about his wants. Often, it is this breaking point, this full surrender, that he is after. Once he gets it, once I have accepted his complete control and my helplessness to resist, he grants mercy and brings the scene down to a careful close.

It is an incredible place to go. It shuts off the chatter in my mind. It shuts off the smart ass, and brings my focus down to the moment. In that moment, nothing else matters but him and me. The pain no longer matters, the fear no longer matters, the tears no longer matter. My surrender to him is the only important thing in the world in that moment. Those are moments we both cherish in this busy and stressful time. Those are moments when we put everything else aside and fully connect.

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